Guarding Your Own Life: How to Be There for Someone When You’re Depressed Too

For couples who both experience depression, it takes a great deal of self-awareness to keep the relationship healthy. The foundations of a good relationship – trust, boundaries, and communication – take on even more significance.

For someone like me, who tends to absorb others’ emotions, having a partner with periods of depression makes it difficult to discern whether I’m experiencing my own depression or simply a reflection of his. Perhaps you can relate. When this would happen, I lost the ability to be a supportive caregiver. Instead, I would often slip down with him into a space where we both struggled even more.

Fortunately, the last time, I had a trusted therapist who understood my patterns. She offered an interesting metaphor that helped me see my behavior in a new light. I’d love to share it with you in case it gives you a new perspective as well.

She said, “Did you know that if you attempt to save a drowning person, they’ll instinctively push you under water in order to get a gasp of air?”

As someone who’s always been afraid of water (and can’t swim), I didn’t know this, but it made sense.

She went on, “Lifeguards are taught to always have a buoyant object on hand. They give this to the drowning person, so they don’t cling to them or make it more difficult to get them to safety.”

I began to see the parallel to depression as we talked. Afterward, I thought more about how the two ideas connected.

1. A depressed person doesn’t always think logically or behave the way they normally would – Just like a drowning person wouldn’t intentionally try to drown their rescuer, my husband wasn’t trying to hurt me, or pull me down into a deeper depression. He was just trying to survive.

 

2. If you’re prone to depression, you’re going to struggle as a caregiver (and that’s okay) – Even lifeguards are at risk of drowning if they don’t have a life preserver to give the drowning person. It’s okay that you can’t dive right in and save your partner from their depression. It doesn’t mean that you don’t want to help or don’t love them enough.

 

3. Keep a healthy distance emotionally to stop from getting depressed yourself – Water safety experts recommend using an object you can extend out to the drowning person rather than getting in the water with them. I realized that a healthy boundary between my husband and I was critical for me to stay safe – and ultimately, be more helpful to him.

 

4. Get outside help if you feel like you can’t support your partner – If someone is drowning, the best thing to do is to get trained help – not try to rescue them yourself. Sometimes, my husband’s depression was more than I could handle. That didn’t mean I wasn’t a good enough spouse. It simply meant he needed the stronger, more capable hands of a lifeguard to lift him out of the water.

 

5. Each person in the relationship is responsible for their own mental health – If you’re not a strong swimmer, it’s your responsibility to wear a life preserver. When you have a history of depression, your life preserver could be eating well and exercising, seeing a therapist, getting proper rest, or taking medication – or all of the above. Couples can support each other in maintaining their life preservers, so hopefully a drowning situation doesn’t occur.

I believe those of us with depression are often in deeper emotional waters than most. We find ourselves in the middle of the ocean through no fault of our own. That’s why it’s so important to wear our life preservers and know what to do if we see our partner struggling.

Are there any other connections you can make from this metaphor? Each time I ponder it, I seem to gain more clarity. Hopefully, it offers you a new way to view your relationship – and gives you peace of mind.

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Self Love as Self-Care

Over the last decade, the term “self-care” has been co-opted and used to sell luxurious products and services to “treat yourself” with. While these things feel good temporarily, they are no substitute for self-love, which cannot be bought and offers a lifetime of value. I consider self-love the deepest form of self-care, and a valuable means of finding the way to joy and fulfillment.

Self-love is an elusive goal because it is as individual and unique as each one of us. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, but there is one crucial common first step we all must take down the path towards it: recognition of our true self, and what that self needs to feel whole. Whether through meditation or journaling or thoughtful counseling, we must identify the parts of yourself that need healing so that we may begin to do the work.

“Doing the work” sounds like drudgery, and sometimes it is, but it can also be the door to the most liberating and joyful experiences of our lives. My own self-love journey began in the wake of a breakup. After many years in a difficult and fraught relationship, I walked away and suddenly found myself alone, pushing forty, and acutely aware of the fact that I might never have the marriage or family I had longed for.

I realized that I had always sought partners to “fix” instead of addressing my own issues. Feeling utterly shattered, I promised myself that I would not fall back into my old patterns– that I would become the partner to myself that I wanted rather than seeking yet another relationship with yet another damaged person.

The year that followed was excruciatingly painful, as I confronted my childhood traumas and began to heal them. I cried every day, after a lifetime of rarely shedding a tear. I stopped trying to be “tough” and started to embrace my vulnerability. I made time for meditation every day, even if it was only for five minutes. I lovingly prepared myself a four-course meal once a week, imagining that I was cooking for someone I deeply loved. I read books about childhood emotional neglect, and I saw an excellent therapist weekly. If friends asked how I was, I shared how I felt, instead of just saying, “I’m fine.” At the heart of it all: I accepted myself as I was, and tried to love myself fully.

Doing this work was a job, but as the year unfolded, something magical happened: I really did start to love myself. When I was honest with friends about my feelings, they expressed their own deep feelings, and we each felt less alone in the world. My friendships grew stronger and more meaningful. I experienced many moments of both liking and loving myself. After a year, I reconnected with a partner from decades before, and embarked on the most rewarding relationship of my life.

Once you begin to truly love yourself, you may be amazed at how broken you once thought you were. Achieving self-love is the gateway to stronger relationships, more joyful living, and a more rewarding life. No matter what your personal journey towards loving yourself looks like, the destination is one that will enrich you indefinitely.

Learn more

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source https://heartcenteredcounselors.com/self-love-as-self-care/

Why It Can Be so Hard to Ask for Help

If you’re checking out our website, you may be in the first stages of asking for help for the first time, which can be an incredibly difficult step to take. Counseling can make a huge difference in your quality of life, but taking the first step to finding a therapist can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Why?

#1 – Anxiety Can Be Crippling

Anxiety is the most common type of mental illness in the United States, affecting roughly 40 million people. Depending on the type and severity of your anxiety, even the simplest of tasks may seem impossible. I personally have very bad phone anxiety (which is more common than you would expect), which is why we have the option for you to reach us by email at help@heartcenteredcounselors.com.

#2 – Depression Can Make You Feel Worthless

Another one of the most common mental illnesses is depression, which affected 16.2 million American adults last year. Depression is a double whammy because it can make the smallest of activities – like just getting out of bed or brushing your teeth – feel like insurmountable tasks. Additionally, depression can make you feel worthless, like you don’t deserve to feel better. It’s hard to ask for help when you feel like you don’t deserve it.

#3 – Asking for Help Feels Taboo

Even if you don’t have a mental illness holding you back, you may be afraid to ask for help dealing with the issues in your life because there is such taboo in this country regarding the need to get help with your issues. Maybe it’s thanks to our “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” Wild West heritage, but as Americans, we tend to feel like we must deal with our issues on our own. When I was originally diagnosed with depression, my mother told me to “stop feeling sorry for (my)self.”

#4 – Vulnerability Can Be Terrifying

Maybe you aren’t worried about the act of making the appointment – the idea of opening up and telling some of your deepest darkest secrets to a stranger can be terrifying. You may be afraid of being judged, or you may not want to revisit hard times in your past, even if you would benefit from addressing your feelings behind those experiences to improve your current life.

How Can You Overcome These Challenges to Ask for Help?

Regardless of your reason for hesitating to make an appointment, you’re here because you believe that you would benefit from talking to one of our caring counselors. What are some ways you can overcome your hesitation to make that first appointment?

• Make a pro and con list. How could counseling benefit you? What are the potential downsides?
• Ask yourself what the worst thing that could happen would be. Realistically, what’s the worst thing that could happen from talking to a counselor?
• Think about what results you hope to achieve. What do you hope your life looks like after some counseling? Is that future good enough to overcome your hesitancy?
• Take half a step. Maybe you aren’t ready to make an appointment yet, but you would like to talk to us to get a better feel for whether you would benefit from counseling. Call or email us for more information before committing to an appointment.

 

Ready to Take That Leap?

If you’re ready to ask for help and make an appointment to talk to one of our heart-centered counselors, call us at 970-498-0709 or email help@heartcenteredcounselors.com to start your journey toward feeling better and having an improved quality of life.

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source https://heartcenteredcounselors.com/why-it-can-be-so-hard-to-ask-for-help/

Healing Our Pasts: How Healing Childhood Wounds Helps Us Live Well Today

Embrace the child within and give them a big supportive hug for being so brave.

The effects of childhood trauma can last long into adulthood if not addressed. Wounding can interfere with healthy relationships, rational thinking, and the decision-making processes in general. It can also be at the root of a myriad of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and even suicidal thoughts. When left unaddressed, it could significantly negative impact a person’s physical and mental health.

Deep Healing Facilitates Change in People

Some of the ways healing childhood wounds helps people live well today are listed below:

By learning how to feel all feelings without fearing them.
When children suppress how they feel, they’re unable to process situations without feeling overwhelmed by fear. They don’t know if it’s safe to emote so they close themselves up to others who could help them develop a sense of safety in the world. Individual counseling is one way to give adults and kids a non-intimidating environment to explore their emotions. Through regular therapy sessions, men and women begin to trust their therapist as well as the range of feelings they feel on an everyday basis. The patients are then able to base their decisions on an honest exploration of their feelings, rather than simply fearing their own response to change.

By allowing them to share it with others without shame.
The more a person can open up about the things they experienced in the past, the better. By working with a therapist, the adult learns to trust the licensed professional. Slowly, through regular counseling, the patient is encouraged to share their experiences with other people they feel safe with. When the adult experiencing childhood wounding can do this without harm, they grow more comfortable with telling their truth and sharing their feelings about the past.

Therapy Helps Adults Overcome the Pain of Their Childhood Wounds
Childhood wounds can render adults defenseless in the face of tragedy. That’s why it’s important to identify, recognize, and treat wounds in therapy so that the pain from the trauma lessens. Weighted down by the past, many people can’t fully move on to live a life leading to a better future. Instead, they can sometimes keep revisiting past events and making decisions from a place of fear, anger or sadness, not joy, peace, and happiness.

Contact Us Today to Learn more about how we can help you!

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source https://heartcenteredcounselors.com/healing-our-pasts-how-healing-childhood-wounds-helps-us-live-well-today/