The Truth Behind Keeping Secrets

It’s widely accepted that there are certain truths we may be faced with in life that don’t need to be shared, either with certain individuals, or even with anyone. However, that doesn’t mean that keeping secrets is the easy or right thing to do in many cases.

Telling the difference between a secret that should be shared, and one that we should keep to ourselves isn’t always straightforward, but if a secret is allowing us to continue behaving in a way that is harmful to ourselves or others, then this is always going to be detrimental to our mental and physical well-being.

In short, some secrets can become toxic, and until we share them with the right people, it’ll become so much harder for us to continue keeping them to ourselves.

Here’s what can happen if you decide to share a secret, but please note that while revealing a secret can be extremely cathartic in many instances, you may want to seek the help of a professional counselor before you decide to share it with others:

Any feelings of guilt you may have been experiencing could be reduced

Confessing to a secret isn’t always easy, in fact in many circumstances it’s downright tough, but most will experience a reduction in their feelings of guilt once they have done so. That isn’t to say that the guilty feelings will disappear, but you’re paving the way for them to dissipate in the long term.

The person or persons whom you are sharing with may not choose to forgive you, ever, but if you share with sincere intentions, then you might both forgive yourself (in time) and give yourself a chance at an honest relationship with those you’re sharing with.

You can prevent that person from finding out the secret from someone else

If you’re keeping a secret that you know would hurt somebody if they discovered it, then there is always the risk that they’ll find it out from somebody else, and that scenario never ends well. While it will cause you pain to reveal the secret to that person, if they were to hear it from someone else, the pain caused would be far greater.

Minimize the pain and hurt

If you’re keeping a secret about something harmful you’ve done to someone, then when you keep that a secret, you’re simply adding to the pain and hurt that you’re causing them, and yourself. The hurtful action you committed may be hard for others to forgive but keeping it a secret may feel unforgivable to others.

The decision to not reveal a secret is usually an easy one to make, while choosing to confess is of course, much harder. However, if the secret is one that you’re keeping from a loved one or close friend, then it may quickly create a barrier between you both, no matter whether they suspect the truth or not. Secrets aren’t usually conducive to a happy, healthy relationship. So, if a secret is eating away at you and you need some advice on how or when to share it, don’t be afraid to ask for help, and know that the quicker you do, the quicker the pain can subside.

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How Coming Out Can Be A Multi-Staged Process

For many individuals, there may be one defining or significant moment when they ‘come out’, but more often, ‘coming out’ becomes an experience that is repeated multiple times throughout their lives. It can be a long process of understanding and accepting your sexual orientation or gender identity and coping with the ways in which others respond to your news.

Here are a few things to think about if you’re facing the prospect of this often multi-staged process:

Do you have a strong support network?

It’s rare that coming out is a straightforward, uneventful occurrence, and even rarer that the emotional responses of others will be the same. So, it’s extremely helpful for you to have a strong network of people that you can rely on to support you, and not just when you first come out, but for every other stage of the process that you may be faced with.

Even if there is just one person that you can turn to in confidence, and even if it’s an anonymous person such as someone working for an LGBTQ hotline, it will mean that you have a positive, non-judgmental outlet for your emotions.

Are you prepared to be patient?

Often, those around you may take time to fully understand your news, and some may even react initially with shock or sadness. It might be wise to assume that your news will not always be met positively, so that you’re prepared should hard responses happen. That isn’t to say that those who love you will never accept you for who you are, but it may take time.

For those who are particularly struggling to cope with your news, but for whom you are confident it’s due to a lack of understanding rather than a simple matter of disappointment, anger or sadness, you could try to educate them about what it really means to be LGBTQ. Help them to understand some of the struggles you’ve already gone through in life and make them aware of the many struggles you will doubtlessly continue to face.

Mental strength

It’s a sad reality that things may get tough for you as a member of the LGBTQ community. If you face discrimination or hostility, you will need to rely on your inner strength and uphold your self-respect so that you can continue to make yourself proud. Not all others may embrace you, but you should certainly love yourself.

While it may be a cliché that loves conquers all,  it is often true, and the more you love yourself for who you are, the more you’ll find yourself in grounded space of self-compassion.

If you’re struggling with the mental or physical pressures of having recently come out, then please find someone that you can trust to talk to about it. Counselors can be hugely beneficial, providing you with support and professional guidance when you really need it, and with their help, you could soon be living the happy, safe and loving life that you deserve.

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How Empathy Is Key When Communicating With Your Child

Feeling estranged from your child is not unusual, but it can be painful. Not only does it hurt when they won’t communicate with you, but it can have serious repercussions for your child, too.  It is often said that there is nothing more important in a child’s development than their relationship with their parents or caregivers, and so if you’re struggling to communicate effectively with your child, it’s important to work to rectify the situation.

Research has shown that when a child endeavors to talk to their parents about an issue they are facing, the adults often confuse sympathy with empathy, and this can quickly shut down communication. 

Sympathy and empathy:

It can be a parent’s instinct to tell their child not to be upset or angry over something that has happened to them, and this may be because they simply don’t want to see their child suffering emotional pain. However, this can lead to the child feeling ashamed of having those emotions and can cause them to believe that their parent doesn’t understand what they are going through. All of this makes the child’s pain even more intense, and discourages them from telling you about how they’re feeling in the future.

To avoid this and help your child manage their emotions, it’s better to acknowledge how they’re feeling and talk about it, instead of telling them to get over something that has clearly hurt them. Once you’ve done this, your child will feel better connected to you and be encouraged to approach you for help with problems in the future.

Empathy wins, every time:

When you’re empathetic towards your child, they immediately feel calmer and more able to deal rationally with whatever problem they may be facing, and they will know unequivocally that you are on their side.

Having empathy and honoring how your child may be feeling about something isn’t helping them to simply feel sorry for themselves, which may be the mistaken belief of many well-wishing parents, rather it has the opposite effect and prevents them from developing a victim mentality. (Sympathy, however, does nothing to help your child deal with their emotions and may encourage unhealthy thought patterns that can go on to disrupt and hinder their future emotional responses.)

When you show your child that you recognize and understand how they are feeling, and encourage them to work through those feelings with your help, you give them the tools to better manage difficult situations in the future and become much stronger as an individual.

The emotional development of your child may well be in your hands, so it’s important to seek professional guidance if you’re struggling to connect with them.

Learn More At: https://heartcenteredcounselors.com/child-teen-family-counseling/

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The Pain Of Past Trauma And How It Can Affect Relationships

Past traumas can be defined as any events that posed a threat to your physical or psychological well being, and they can sometimes have a detrimental impact upon relationships if you don’t seek professional help to deal with their consequences.

Here are four ways in which past trauma can have a negative impact upon intimate relationships:

1. Past traumas can trigger ‘fight, flight or freeze’

If you experienced a trauma in your past that you haven’t been able to deal with, or still struggle to cope with despite your best efforts, then every time you find yourself in a situation that reminds you of that past trauma, you are likely to fall into a state of ‘fight, flight or freeze’. These states can be damaging to relationships, and here’s how:

2. Fight

You might find yourself attacking your partner either verbally, physically or both, and they may find themselves feeling blamed for the problems you’re experiencing, whether real or imagined. Your behavior may become controlling and you might find it very hard to let things go.

3. Flight

This state may see you having trouble dealing with problems, or avoiding them altogether, and you may feel like running away from intimacy or emotional situations.

4. Freeze

When you enter a state of ‘freeze’, you may feel helpless and unable to act or cope, you may even begin to shut down and emotionally and physically distance yourself from your partner.

You may experience a response centered upon a feeling of shame

Shame is a destructive emotion, and even more so when it is felt by one member of a partnership. Making you want to hide your feelings or encourage thoughts of anger towards your partner, shame can make you keep important elements of yourself a secret. It’s common for someone experiencing intense feelings of shame to attack those close to them or mask insecurities by overcompensating. Overall, it can make you want to step away from a relationship instead of working to save it.

Strict, inflexible beliefs about relationships

Past trauma or even having had a distressing or dysfunctional childhood, can shape the way you deal with future relationships, and if you haven’t dealt with those traumas, you might find it very hard to trust others and to resist the urge to control them. Rejection may become a legitimate fear, causing you to avoid relationships altogether, or to push away current partners.

Selecting partners that aren’t right for you

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is not treating you with love or respect, then you may feel unable or unwilling to object to their behavior, and may simply put up with it for fear of being alone, or through a misguided belief that a dysfunctional relationship is to be accepted as is instead of working to transform it.

If past trauma is having a negative effect upon your relationships, then it might be time to book yourself in for an evaluation from a mental health professional. There is no shame in admitting that you’re struggling to cope with a terrible event from your past, and by coming to terms with this and seeking help, you can begin to give yourself the respect and self-love that you deserve, along with the ability to make wiser decisions about relationships.

Learn more about relationship counseling at: https://heartcenteredcounselors.com/couples-marriage-counseling/

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